Toni's HCG Challenge

Weight Loss Ticker -55.6 lbs; -70.75" on protocol

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

-See my updated info on my Google Docs Spreadsheet:
Weight & Inches Speadsheet

My Weight Chart:

Reflections of My Journey to Health

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 19:24:00 +0000

What has it meant? What does it mean?

I was thinking about this on the elliptical this morning – what has my journey to health meant to me? Some say that weight reduction is a discipline – I’d agree. Some would say that it’s hard – I’d agree. But what it has come down to for me is control! Weight isn’t necessarily a lack of say no – often you will find that it comes from a parent who loved with food or “guilted” with food, aka “Food Pushers”. How many of you heard this one “there are children in third world countries starving – clean you plate” or “honey have one more piece – make sure you are full”? Then it can turn, as it did in my case to rebellion against my mother. She’d put me on diets – but really it was the ONE THING SHE COULD NOT CONTROL… I found the one thing my mother couldn’t control – my weight and what I put in my mouth.

My yes to food became my no to relationships, my no to love, my no to friendships, my no to life, my no to promotions – my lack of no to food became my answer and protection from life in general. My journey has been painful at times, rewarding at times and feeling failed and accomplished at times. I would not deem it at all easy – it’s been a journey of discovering. One of my discoveries has been, it’s completely okay to say NO, mean it and stick to it! NO TO FOOD – NO TO EMOTIONAL EATING – NO TO PEOPLE AND THINGS YOU DON’T WANT IN YOUR LIFE! It’s also okay to say YES – YES TO LOVE, YES TO PEOPLE AND THINGS YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE, AND EVEN YES TO FOOD – in the moderation and quantities that fuel your body not destroy it.

My relationship with food has changed! In 2004 – I didn’t know what “satisfied” meant. I knew what overstuffed and miserable meant. I loved everything sweet – ewy-gooey, fried and covered sauce. I loved the taste and smell of food. I loved the texture of food. I loved the way food made me feel. Now when I eat those things my body doesn’t feel good. It feels run down – I can feel the film of grease in my mouth when I eat fried foods. My body aches when I don’t exercise and fuel it with the proper nutrition.

My relationship to exercise has changed! In 2004 I COULD NOT climb a flight of stairs without becoming breathless. Climbing 4 floors where I used to work – just about made me pass out! Now I can run up a couple flights of stairs and be able to talk at the top :D

My relationship with ME HAS CHANGED! I LOVE ME! Most of my life – I didn’t like myself – did not think I was pretty – I loathed the skin I was in and continued to punish it through shoveling food in my mouth so I would perpetuate the cycle. When I almost hit 300 lbs – is when I said enough! I always told my friend I tip the scale over 300 lbs – SHOOT ME! Well, she never had to shoot me but I came really close! Then my mother’s death in 2007 was another catalyst – I’d lost about 50 – 60 lbs. when she died. But her death really put an almost urgency in my Journey to Health. She had high blood pressure, Crohn’s Disease, Type II Diabetes, and she succumbed to heart failure due to diabetic complications. It was shortly after that – I was determined to not die in that manner. I was determined to NOT become a burden to my children. I decided I wanted to live a life FULL ~ Full of happiness, full of love, full of living life to the fullest measure. I have to be a constant reminder to myself that I am of worth and not let the old tapes creep in and ruin my day which can penetrate to a week, months and then years!

My continual goal is towards Health… My health determines the health of my relationships. I need to be balanced with my Physical, Emotional, Mental and Spiritual Health. I’ve come to know myself and can finally give of myself because I love who I am – no matter what! There are areas I still struggle with – but I continue to work all these areas and eventually the balance is returned! Remember to LOVE YOURSELF FIRST – then you can pour out that love. My journey is far from over but I’m going to… "Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." — Mark Twain "Live Like You Were Dying"

Apple Day Working

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 06:59:00 +0000

Okay so I've been stalled out for various reasons - my own not following the plan and just plain ole' self sabotage... The same mantra that I've been dealing with since well - FOREVER!!!! However, I dug my heels in today - and you know what that means?!?!?!?! I am going for it! I am tired of being at this weight and want the rest of it GONE! So, I am very excited that the Apple Day is working for me! I have been incredibly thirsty so have been hydrating. That could be too because I haven't hydrated well during the first portion of this protocol and need to drink more liquids PERIOD!!! Anyway I am down 51.6 lbs total on protocol and 111 lbs total weight loss since the beginning of my journey. I'm ecstatic and really do hope that there are people still reading my blog! I will update tomorrow in the morning once I weigh again - I only weighed tonight to see if it was indeed working - curiosity yah know - since I'd popped back up to 192 and am now at my lowest in 12 years at 187.6!!! YAH - YAH I'm super close to where I was at when I left boot camp in 1993 - I left there at 177 - so 10 more pounds... Let's see what I look like then... And I have to go get my drivers license renewed here in two weeks also! YIPPIE turning 40 has all its own rewards - hmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Doing An Apple Day

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 00:50:00 +0000

I decided to do an apple day today - I've been struggling with cravings and being hungry. I got up this morning and went and worked out... It's amazing how far I have come. 7 minutes on the elliptical 3 years ago would have just about killed me! Today I did 30 minutes and really didn't feel anything until 20 minutes in and was actually struggling to keep my heart rate in the target range. I felt so good after I got off the elliptical and I have had energy ALL DAY LONG!!! I FEEL AWESOME!

So, we'll see what tomorrow's results will be - I am going to prepare some chicken tonight for cooking for tomorrow. I've discovered that lots of fresh garlic, onion, thyme, a packet of Splenda, Worcestershire sauce is very good on grilled chicken (5 pre-measured portions) - I let it marinade over night - it was quite tasty! It even got raves from the fella :D and he didn't know that it was completely healthy ;)

GAINING MOMENTUM

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 16:47:00 +0000

It's taken me awhile to realize a few things! 1) Nothing is going to stand in my way to complete this challenge! Not even my own emotions. I have come to a point in my life where I want this to be done - I want the change! I want my health! 2) I AM SO WORTH THIS!!!! For the past several months I have been struggling with if I lose all my weight will this wonderful man in my life leave... We've gone through some stuff and he hasn't left - so I believe I have made it past one more mental/emotional barrier in giving myself over to trust. Trust is a very hard thing - once it's been broken - even though it isn't the same person - it's extremely difficult to give it back out. For me it's been waiting for the other shoe to drop - and it hasn't!

NEED FOR A CHANGE!

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 18:26:00 +0000

Something has to give! Okay is this what mid-life feels like?!?!?!? Is it the HCG?!?!?!?! I don't even know - I am feeling a need for change in my life! Something has to give and not just my weight going down! I am on the crucks of something and am not sure what, where, when or why! I just know that I'm needing something - something isn't being fulfilled in my life! Is it something that I can provide? Is it something that I need to look inside and change or is it external? Are there things around me that are thwarting my moving forward? I am not sure! I know that it makes my life a lot easier as I continue to clean the junk out of my house! I am at more peace with myself since I've gotten rid of a lot of the junk! But is that once again unveiling or making room for me to see things in my internal that I have not dealt with and are surfacing?!?!?!?!? I did a little self sabotage last night with some cookies and fried chicken! UGGGHHHH.... So, I know that kept my weight exactly the same and I may pay for it tomorrow with the weigh in?!?!?!?!? I may have already paid the piper - but that's unknown since the scale issue was resolved yesterday mid-afternoon! I finally had a job interview after 10 months! It went amazing!!! I'm one of 3 candidates! So, I am very hopeful and praying! Anyway - there's my rant of the day and my contemplation off the top of my head!

Today it a new day - I've had an americano with s/f syrup and an apple! I'm currently drinking a cascade ice - no carbs, fat or sugar! But bubbly and good! Probably not protocol friendly but we'll see how my weight is tomorrow! I am hard core going for it from here out! I want the rest of this weight GONE!!! Permanently and forever! I'm going to start back to the gym tomorrow doing some light cardio and strength training! If I notice that it is impacting my loss and this does not necessarily correspond with weight! I am talking inches here too! Which I am going to go and measure right now and get those posted!

NEW SCALE - YES!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 03:38:00 +0000

Okay so it is so good to have a GOOD scale again!!! I got it at Costco... Nice Tanita! This one will have a better chance of surviving at my house as it does not have those flimsy feet on the underside! It's low profile and sturdy! I like it a lot... And it's ACCURATE TOO! But I will take my weight in the morning but this afternoon - after I'd ate and drank it was 191.8 lbs...

NEW SCALE NEEDED!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 20:00:00 +0000

UGGHHH... Okay my scale is off by 5.6 lbs :-/ so I will be looking at purchasing a digital scale again! That sucks! But I am at 195.6 so lost 7 lbs since I started!

Fresh HCG

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 04:15:00 +0000

Okay - yes the HCG in the freezer I am pretty sure lost potency! Because I was hunger for the entire 2 weeks!!!! UGGGHHHH - and I did not do well that entire time! However, I have fresh HCG - thank you PharmacyEscrow.com! Thanks to my Naturopath too - she provided my bacteriostatic water that I needed. The place where I was getting it no longer supplies it. But I will order my final items needed from them! I am determined to finish out as a challenger! I feel really good - I am down to 190 according to my scale but will weigh in at WW tomorrow even though I am not doing their program. I already paid for the month so might as well do the weigh ins... RIGHT?!?!?!?!? So the last two days have been easier - I think too because the sugar is working it's way out of my system. I really should have done a cleanse before starting this round and loaded with more healthy fats than I did! Anyway here I am! Down 12 lbs according to my scale. We'll see what the WW scale has to say... I forgot to do measurements to start so I will do those tomorrow morning too! I am very excited! I am going to succeed this time through! I only have about 34 lbs to go! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CLOSE!!!

Is anyone still reading????

HUNGRY!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 00:19:00 +0000

Okay so I gorged the last 2 days for sure am starting out at 202.6... I'm hungry which is super crazy since I really ate yesterday! Gonna get myself a cup of hot tea and try to ignore my children and their fighting! I want them back at school! Just a couple more days!!!!

Loading 1 more day

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 03:03:00 +0000

Got up this morning and had only put on 2 lbs and that was with the clothes on so - I'd say didn't gain anything for the load days - that's a dangerous thing that means I didn't get in enough fats or my HCG in the freezer has gone bad. We'll see tomorrow when I weigh in at WW for my last time there for a while. I'm going full bore HCG again... I'm a little apprehensive as I really want to get it done this time... No holds barred! Just get rid of the last 40ish lbs... I'd like to say 40 by 40... My 40th B-Day is February 2! I'm going for it!!! :D

Preload Weight 197lbs

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 07:41:00 +0000

Took my third shot tonight and finished my two days of loading. It's crazy with taking the break I am super ready to get started. It was such a chore to get all the food down today... Felt gross!!! I cannot wait for tomorrow to start eating clean again! Me and the green tea will be best friends! I'll still probably start my day with coffee and going through protocol materials!

Closer and Closer to Loading

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 07:41:00 +0000

I have I think 12 shots in my freezer and more HCG on the way... I'm very excited to get started again and finally get rid of the rest of my weight. Yes I did gain through the holidays but not as much as I would have had I not gone to WW just of the support! I love that I have that option... Although I was super bored with the HCG program and it was good to take a break - I am super ready to finish this out! I really don't even know if anyone is still reading these blogs but I am determined to keep blogging as it helps me through my journey. And maybe someone will stumble on my blog and discovery how HCG can help them get to their goals too!

I will begin loading on the 25th all day! Explaining this to my guy will be interesting but I am going to print out what I can have for the next 6 weeks - he's super supportive but the program looking from the outside is kinda weird especially when you do the load days! :D

Oh and today I was weight at 199.0... And I can feel it in my pants for sure! 10 lbs heavier than I was in early November! UGGGHHH

BREATHE!!!! Now I am ready again!

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 03:47:00 +0000

I have enough to do a mini-short round kindof... 17 shots... Not quite a short round but I don't have enough HCG to do any more than that! So I will go for it and do as much as I can - unless someone would like to donate and send me a couple vials :D... JK Once I get on my feet financially I will order some more but right now my finances are my priority and keeping a roof over our heads. Still have not found a JOB!

I made a commitment to this challenge - and although it's been challenging - I will see it through to the end! Even at the cost out of my own pocket! I want to be an inspiration to everyone out there seeking to permanently rid the fat from their bodies! I was hating the restriction - and that was a lot of what I was struggling with... I'd made it down to 188 but am up to 198 - so before I teeter back into the 200's I am gearing up to start the challenge again. I am going to utilize the Christmas meal - even though we don't celebrate - we've been invited and I will use that as a load day! Until then I will be eating healthy so as not to gain any further weight!

Looking forward to the ideal weight! It's just around the corner and I CANNOT WAIT TO POST THE FINAL PICTURE!!!

TAKING A BREAK

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 01:01:00 +0000

Me at 298.6 lbs

Me at 188.0 lbs (a couple weeks ago)

I am still struggling with some emotional stuff and have decided to return to WW for support through the Holidays. I will likely return to HCG after all the food and festivities but at the moment need the group support and am trying to get rid of this last emotional baggage that I have a reason to hold onto just don't know why! I am beginning a book recommended to me by a fellow HCG'er called The Gabriel Method which helps with emotional stuff from what she said... So, I will keep blogging - although sporadic and continue on my journey. I appreciate all my readers and their support! I am ecstatic that I am down 101.2 lbs... I am so pleased that I am in the 100's and I have almost reached my original goal... As we know from my blog - it's been a journey and has not at all been easy... The diet itself and the plan itself are the easy part - the hard part is we as humans - the junk we bring along into the journey etc... I know that if I had started this without first clearing the vast majority of my baggage - I would not have had the success I have had - but I was one of the fortunate ones... Again - don't give up on me - lets make this very clear - I AM TAKING A BREAK - NOT QUITTING!!!!

LAST LEG

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 20:47:00 +0000

I know it's been a while since I blogged - I am beginning the last round of my journey! I have been holding around 195 - this morning I weighed at the Dr office fully clothed and am at 197 lbs but will go by my scale here at the house for the load weight of 199 lbs! I am going hard core this round to get the rest of this weight off! No Cheats! I finish loading today! Tomorrow morning I will start off with plain americano and an apple! Chicken for lunch and fish for dinner!

I MADE IT!!! ONEDERLAND!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 07:52:00 +0000

I finally replaced my scale today - I know it's probably more but tonight I weighed 197 lbs - it will be in even increments now since it's an old style scale but I know it's accurate since my child is my gauge and she's weighing 3 lbs heavy tonight - which means I've probably lost more than 101 lbs - YES!!!!

OMG I'M SO CLOSE

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 19:20:00 +0000

Down another .4 lbs - it's crazy now that I am so close to the 100's I'm REALLY EXCITED!!! I know it's taken me forever to get here but I'm almost there ya'll!!! Keep rooting for me - today's weight is 200.4 :D

Moments Away 200.8 lbs Today (Onderland is so close)

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:23:00 +0000

It's so exciting to make another breakthrough in my journey of self discovery. Each time I break a barrier and come to understanding and peace with a fear I'm able to move past that fear and move further down the scale in my weight loss journey. And actually I want to call this something different - my healthy body journey - my ideal body journey - my real body journey. Because weight loss - means I lose it I can find it again and I don't ever want to go backwards to the weight I was - NOT EVER!!! I finally love myself and who I am - not that I don't sometimes struggle with insecurities - obviously fears and other emotions on the journey but they are not all always related to weight... A lot of times the circle back around to weight issues but they are not all rooted in how I feel about my body. They are insecurities of rejection from my childhood and early adulthood. Things like am I beautiful - am I a good person - am I of worth - will I be loved the way I want to be or need to be - am I what God wanted me to be or am I missing the boat and a disappointment to Him?!?!?!?!? There are more things that swim around in my mind I battle and analyze but am working through...

Starting Weight 210

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 16:15:00 +0000

I'm not sure this is correct or not - I think my scale is broken - we have to jump on it to make it come on sometimes. So, think I will go get a new scale today :-/... Anyway today according to this scale I'm 209.2 lbs. So, we'll see with a new scale what it reads ehhhhhh...

Yes - starting over AGAIN!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 21:35:00 +0000

I'm getting up the courage to talk about my fear of being left if I drop the rest of my weight. I know - I know... I've been avoiding the topic and avoiding doing my shots and just plain procrastinating and avoiding. I think part of the fear too is that I won't be validated in how I feel - if that makes sense... That the whole thing will be dismissed - and maybe that's what I also need to communicate - yah know! I like blogging this out because it helps me to think of what and how I want to say what I have bottled up for so many years. And sometimes things come out through my writing that I don't even realize are sitting under the surface... Does that make sense?

So, inevitably I am loading over this weekend to start the protocol yet again!!! DAMN - this is taking so much longer than I wanted or anticipated - but I am hanging in there!!! Still maintaining Started at 205.6 and was up 3 lbs with the load from yesterday... So tomorrow will be the starting weight - we'll see where I start off from... Keep praying for me and rooting for me - I really want to do this and am going to push past these fears and realize that no matter what I am worth it!

-4 lbs YES 37 LBS GONE - 97.8 Total GONE!

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 23:15:00 +0000

I am so excited to announce that I have lost 4 more pounds 4 POUNDS I'm at 201.8 lbs... 2 more pounds and I'll be in the 100's and 3 more and I'll have lost a total of 100 pounds!!!! Which 40 of that will be on HCG! It's taken me a while to get through all the emotional stuff but I am ecstatic that DD.ca, HCGSupplies.com, Cindy and all my readers (do you still exist out there) have stuck by me all this time! YES - I'm going to make it this time - I have lots of shots remaining in my freezer and am doing well this round now that I've discovered (I THINK!!!) the last remaining piece of why I haven't shed these last few pounds. Being really good today - want to hit that tomorrow - that would be so - so nice!!! Literally I stepped on and off the scale about 10 times this morning - had my daughter step on it to ensure that it was correct! You know because I haven't been near the 100's in 12 years! I cannot even tell you how excited I am!!!

Down -1.6 lbs today to 205

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 19:15:00 +0000

Okay forgot to log my weight yesterday I popped up .4 and am back down 1.6 today for 205... I'm on the cusp again - keep praying for me that I break into the 100's! I know I can do it! I'm pumping lots of fluids today too! So, I only have 35 lbs to go - possibly again not sure what my ideal weight is but I'll know when I get there right?!?!?!?!?

POOR CHOICES

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 05:15:00 +0000

I'm re-evaluating some poor life choices I've made these past couple months and how it can really affect perception... My faith and integrity are my two top core values - and recently I have said and done things that impact the way I am perceived. It made me have to stop and think - as there were some things said in conversation today there is a perception held that really is not an absolute about me. Yes, I have made a couple of mistakes and poor choices over the past couple months. It made me take a look at myself and go - now wait a minute - THAT'S NOT TRUE. If you are saying that your top core values are your faith and integrity but you did this... And the person who's known you for a short time views you as this... Then how do other people view you???? Is that really how you want to present yourself to the world? Does it matter? Does it matter only what the person thinks??? In some aspects it does - however, I know who I am... I am a fallen creature saved by my ONE TRUE GOD sending His ONLY SON to die for my sins... I fall daily - I have to ask forgiveness daily... I don't personify something I am not - I am FAR-FAR-FAR from perfect - I try to live my life according to the Word of God - but I know I fail miserably most of the time and that is why Christ died so that I could live... I have to carry my cross daily and continually ask forgiveness. I never want to be perceived as a "Sunday" christian that lives in the world all week only to attend church one day and ask forgiveness for everything during the week. I know I've been screwing up - I've had so many things on my plate lately - laid off - how am I going to make all the bills - kids - gas in the car - food on the table - keeping a roof over our heads. None of these are an excuse - with all the stress - I've made those poor choices... I am far-far more disappointed in myself that there's now this perception than Now I cannot undo them but I can live my life as before - to show my true value system - who I TRULY AM! I am A WOMAN OF GOD - A WOMAN OF INTEGRITY - A WOMAN OF INFINITE WORTH - A WOMAN WORTHY OF A GODLY MAN - A LOVELY WOMAN - I'M THE REAL DEAL - HONEST AND LOYAL TO THE CORE.

Donnie McClurkin- We Fall Down

I may appear as though I have this hard exterior. However, once you really get to know me I have a very soft and tender heart - I'm the best friend anyone could have... I really only just want to be loved honestly with integrity by one man who has eyes only for me no one else!

I'm beginning to ramble - I cut this here...

Photo Update 06/02/2009

noreply@blogger.com (Toni) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 01:04:00 +0000

Compare just a little over 1 year ago...